Love Can Be as Simple as the ABCs

Children know that we all want to attach to someone. They're wise. We attach ourselves to others to fulfill emotional needs. When we are in a relationship, we actually require that our partner satisfies our emotional needs. Adults know this intuitively, but many fight it.

Our culture tells us to "be strong and independent" as if these two concepts are identical. We've heard that "no man is an island," and this is true. In fact, relying on our partner is the basis of a relationship that works.

Learning to depend on your partner requires some emotional vulnerability, which is well worth the perceived risk; when a man consistently "opens up," his partner feels needed, trusted and valued. In addition, when emotional vulnerability is met with acceptance or kindness, we feel genuine intimacy. It's not about becoming "soft" or dwelling on emotions; it's about acknowledging how we actually are. Unfortunately, avoidance and denial have become the norms rather than the exceptions.

So then, what are the ABCs of love?

"A" is for Allowing Affect

Allow your partner to enter into the "world of your emotions." Remove your defenses, sit and "observe" her defenses. Pay attention to how you are feeling. Breathe. If there is ever going to be a time that you "show" your emotions, this is it. Let your face naturally express your feelings.

Don't retaliate against her hurtful words. Such words are based on emotional suffering from both past and present relationships. Simply pay attention to the fact that she is suffering.

"B" is for Being Balanced

Be with your partner. Just be present both "in mind and body." Do not withdrawal and become silent as many men do. This distortion is a form of avoidance or escape. The only time you may choose to leave the situation is when emotions flare and escalate to the point when control may be jeopardized.

Do not attack verbally with critical anger as many women do. Be aware that such complaining is offensive aggression, which masks underlying defensiveness or -- even deeper -- a sense of helplessness.

There may be times when you will want to assert your point of view, but be careful to stick to comments that describe how you feel based on what has happened. Avoid directly disapproving of her behavior. Absolutely do not criticize her as a person.

Strive for balance. When the time is right, be "short and sweet" when "speaking from the heart." Briefly tell her how you are feeling without saying that there is something wrong with her.

"C" is for Compassionate Consideration

Consider that what your partner says about her feelings is true. She is feeling what she says she is feeling. It's not a strategic ploy "to secure the upper hand." As we age, we often believe that people only say things to serve their selfish purposes. We know this is a possibility because we sometimes do it ourselves. But there should be a difference between how we treat strangers or coworkers and how we treat our partner.

It is true that people are, to a great degree, self-serving; however, there is nothing necessarily wrong with this in a relationship. It's all about mutual give and take. Enjoy what you "take" from her, and choose to give as much as you can. If you learn what your partner needs and provide her with it, she will likely do the same. Also, focus on giving from the heart -- not on "keeping score." In fact, we actually get something from giving: It makes us feel good and facilitates spiritual growth.

Remember that she is not your enemy, and this is not the "battle field" of the corporate boardroom or the hockey rink. There are two possible outcomes of your interactions with your partner: 1) You both win. 2) You both loose. You are not in competition because there can never be just one winner.

What Will Happen If Yo