Adolescence in American and Western European cultures is a time of enormous emotional as well as physical changes. Although each child is an individual and grows and develops in his or her own unique way, there are some predictable stages. When parents know what to expect, they can provide better help and support as their child moves through this often emotionally tumultuous time.

No Longer a Child

Changes in the parent-child relationship are normal and necessary during the teen years. The child's "declaration of independence" and its realization result in a pulling away from parents. This can be accompanied by a rather predictable and usually short-lived depression as the child experiences sadness from the loss of the old tie to parents and a new separateness becomes established. As both the child and the parents struggle with this transition, the teenager often becomes difficult for the parent to control. (S)he rejects family routines and parental authority and often withdraws from the family to incubate a new adolescent identity. It's not uncommon for the formerly affectionate child to object to touch, to walk at a distance from parents when at the mall, or to spend long hours alone in his or her room while the rest of the family enjoys time together.

The emptiness created by separating from parents is often masked by an allegiance to peers and to adolescent culture. The walls of the adolescent’s room are covered with posters of this year’s teen cultural icons. Toys and games are replaced with CDs, TVs, telephones, computers, and cell phones. Girls hang out together, and so do the guys -- in school, at "parties," at "hot" spots, on the phone, and now online. An evolving identity is expressed through clothing, slang, gestures, and new cultural heroes.

The adolescent peer group experience is stressful. The ease of childhood relationships is replaced by anxiety about how to "fit in." There is constant tension around "being left out" or "not being good enough." Predictable and recurring problems include: handling new situations and temptations; meeting the need for constant communication with peers; learning how to deal with new feelings in this new set of relationships; competition around status and possessions; and the need for money to fund this new lifestyle. In addition, there is the continuing pressure of schoolwork, conflicts with family, and the somewhat abstract challenge of preparing for an uncertain future.

"Dating" can seem to be a "solution" to the loneliness and anxiety at the core of the adolescent experience. Having a steady relationship can be a refuge from family tensions and prop up the shaky new "teen" identity. It can be a buffer against difficult interactions with peers and provide an opportunity to explore new feelings and sexual urges.

But this "solution" of dating has its own set of problems. Relationships are never entirely easy, at any age. Emotional neediness, coupled with a shaky sense of identity and anxieties about new feelings, can be overwhelming.

"Neediness" can make the teen feel "dependent" and fearful about "breaking up" with a new dating partner. Dependency and fear can make people (regardless of age) demanding. The hidden messages beneath the demands are: "Protect me from my neediness by never leaving me" or "Protect me from my self-doubts by always being reassuring" or "Protect me from my urges by always satisfying them." When demands are frustrated, then people can become controlling and threatening. The underlying messages become, "If you don’t meet my needs, I won’t mee